So okay, about a year ago, a bird was flying around in our basement, which is attached to our garage, so it’s like no big mystery how it got in there.

But then I was all paranoid and stated asking Zoo questions like, what color was the bird? What color was the bird exactly? Because I had to figure out if it was an omen of death.

He wasn’t all that helpful, and got tired of me showing him googled pictures of birds and asking, does this look like the bird?

I finally decided it didn’t count at all since it didn’t come in through a window, but rather, an open garage door and then a door. Maybe.

The woodpecker came a few months later, drumming the shit out of our wooden shed. And then I think that same summer, a bird flew directly at my head. Seriously, if I didn’t duck, I probably would have died. Or been hurt. Or…something.

Anyway, so the other night I tell Zoo, a bird flew into me again.

Zoo: What do you mean, again?

Steph: It happened last year too.

Zoo: Something is really wrong with you.

Steph: With me, or the birds?


So anyway, the sparrow flew through the openings of a wrought iron fence around the patio into my thigh and I screamed and brushed at it and touched it because it happened so fast I really didn’t know what it was. And the sparrow was on the ground looking at me and kind of fluttered its wing and then it flew away. Like, the bird might’ve been giving me the bird. Gus, the incredible bird dog, did nothing. Because he’s a bird dog who does not notice birds at all. Seriously – he’ll walk into his pen and the birds sit on the ground waiting for him and then they fly into his face and scare him, and he runs back to me all freaked out.

I’m wondering if the bird wanted to attack me. Or if maybe I’m invisible to birds? Or maybe I have the power of invisibility and it just turns on at weird times? Like when I’m around birds? Or maybe the birds are working with the spiders and the crickets? There are so many possibilities.

Anyway, I went inside and asked my mother if I was going to die of bird flu. Wondered if I should change my pants. Because, hi, a bird just flew into me.

Her response? Wash your hands really well.

Has this ever happened to you? I mean, it doesn’t seem to have happened to anyone in the world because I googled things like, what does it mean if birds keep flying into you? and came up with nothing.

I was pretending it meant something good but then I found out some jackhole used my address to register their car and had to call the police. So right now, if I had to say, a bird flying into your thigh means someone is going to use your home address to register their 94 Impala.